Owning Our Lazy Moments

I am not quite sure if I will ever allow myself to be lazy without immediately punishing myself for it. I will continue to work on this but I honestly have no clue if I will get there. For example, this morning I got my daughter ready for school, drove her to school like I was a stuntman in a Bourne Film (I'm always running late), went to a doctor's appointment, went shopping and came home and did nothing for about an hour. I sat on the couch and watched two Workaholics (I love a dose of stupid) and drank two cups of coffee. Where's the crime? As soon as I got off the couch I thought of all the things I could have been doing during that time.In my mind, if I had my 'act together' I would be the most productive person ever. I know I'm not alone in thinking this way. I think this is the side of perfectionism people don't really consider. Perfectionists don't think they are perfect. Most perfectionists think perfection is attainable but we are too lame and unfocused to achieve it.

This is where my decision to home school my daughter is going to be exposure therapy for my perfectionism. I know from my teaching experience we will have a LOT of rough days. But home schooling her will force me to document our good days and bad and look at the whole picture instead of obsessing over the little details of each day. I'm not a very organized person. I am amazing at buying planners and tax software. I am also really good at leaving a lot of pages blank in those planners. And it is not from a place of aloofness that I do this. I have everything I am responsible for and NOT responsible for swirling around my head ALL the time. I work to practice Mindfullness to curb this crazy tornado but its a struggle everyday. I am reminded of comedian Maria Bamford. She says because of her bipolar disorder she has had to curb her ambition a bit in order to take proper care of herself. She jokes that before she goes on stage she looks in the mirror and says "I want to see 20% from you out there." She's hysterical and correct. We don't always have to be the best. Maybe my home school will be "good" it doesn't have to reinvent the program. I don't need to be the best. I can give 20% some days.


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