Oversharing Entry: F%$@ Focusing, I Opt for Chaos

I am the ultimate project starter. I'm an optimist at heart with an incredibly anxious gut. What does that mean? Well, it means I daydream about the amazing success of the project idea and when it doesn't appear to be taking form I blame myself and feel I will never get over that hill. It's really not as doom and gloom as it sounds. I honestly think a lot of people are like this. I thrive on noise. I hate silence. If I am home alone I need music, the tv, or my sweet little african grey to kill the quiet. Even now I am listening to Maria Bamford while I try to write. Why do I do it? No clue. My therapist and I agree I like distractions. Distractions are usually not on my Netflix queue they take the form of my loved ones and existential crises. I am still working through why I like the distractions so much. I currently feel it is the simple fact that if I have a project to work on (i.e. a friend that is struggling, my daughter's education) I can drown out the voices that are focused on my inadequacy.

I have always had body image issues. I am not a vain person it is just where my anxious thoughts landed. I've never wanted name brand anything and never liked being the center of attention and yet the thoughts persisted. Well they persisted until a formidable opponent reared its head...from me (eww). I am grossly speaking of my daughter. I just no longer thought about my weight. So much in fact that when I was sick with worry about what was "wrong" with my baby (prior to diagnosis) I lost 20 POUNDS and didn't even notice.

I take on projects. I naturally love "wounded" people; people struggling with making their way through life. I don't even know I am doing it. I want to hug them, I want to fix them. I want to tell them everything is going to be okay. There are pros and cons to this. Pro: it has helped prepare me for my daughter. She is absolutely not broken or wounded BUT she breaks the mold. She needs my help to function in our crazy world of "normal." Con: I lose myself sometimes when I can't 'make it better.' I've done a lot of work to not completely drain myself in an effort to make someone else whole. Ok, Pro: I am naturally drawn to incredibly empathetic people that in turn care a lot about me. I can't think of one exception to this. That's a big one. I think that is probably where my therapist is going when she says I like the distractions (and she doesn't seem to be worried about it). 

I do wish I was the picture of effectiveness I envision in my head. I imagine the world around me has razor sharp focus and clean homes. Well, I don't ALWAYS imagine that-I usually let those thoughts seep in on a blue day at my barre class. Luckily those days aren't too frequent.

I have a hard time with the idea of moderate success. Like, how does one celebrate success when there is this elusive idea of "more" out there? I'm definitely not too close on an answer on that one. At the core of my being there is this little voice telling me I could do more. What is "more"? I'm not really sure. I think its what I imagine everyone should do. And here is the kicker, I don't hold other people to that same standard even though these are things I have convinced myself everyone should be doing. It makes no sense and yet it's at my core. I think I'm okay with that. Maybe the healthy thing at this point is to just remember to tell that voice every now again that today "we are going to half ass it. But we will give em hell tomorrow."


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